#batfamily headcanons

[gothamite-rambler]

Dick Grayson sat in the vet office, his left leg shaking nervously as he waited for his faithful dog to be healed up after she ate some plastic wrapping Dick tossed in the trash from his Ramen.

His worry was put on pause when his cell phone rang. He groaned, answering the call reluctantly.

Dick(knowing it's Bruce): Busy.

Bruce: Cancel your plans, I-

Dick: Bye.

Dick ended the call and calmly went to the to the vet assistance desk.

Dick: Will Harley be out soon?

Assistant: They're almost done, sadly there was a lot of plastic she consumed, but the vet said she'll be out soon. I'd recommended sitting and relax, Mr. Grayson this isn't the first time.

Dick: And not the worse thing she's eaten. Okay, I'll sit back down.

Unfortunately, as he returned to his seat, his phone rang again. He clicked ignore and texted Kori he'd be home late, texted Babs to tell Bruce he was busy and then his phone rang before he could send her the text.

Dick shook with anger, but if Bruce wouldn't take a hint, he'd tell him.

Dick (tranquil fury as he answered the phone): Bruce, what you need me for better be important, the world better be ending and Jason has been driven insane, Damian is bleeding out and Tim is struggling to breathe. It better be world war fucking three where you're at because if it's not and I leave the vet where my precious puppers is getting help after eating plastic out of the trash and something bad happens to her I will snap every bone in your body. I will make you relive that pain if you have me go to you and it is. not. important!

Bruce (slightly terrified): Thinking about it... I'll get Cass to go with me. I hope Hayley- If you need me to pay the vet bill I will.

Dick (sighing content): Thank you, that's is so thoughtful. Be safe. I will call you when I leave.

Dick ended the call and sat back, taking deep breaths as a woman holding a fluffy bunny stared at him shocked, she raised her finger seeming to debate if she should shoot her shot with the man who seemed to genuinely care about his dog.

Lady (leaning close to him): I'm Stacy, are you free for dinner after this?

Dick: I'm in an open relationship, just a heads up.

Stacy (pleased): I'm not hearing a no.

Dick: Then that means I'm free for dinner after this.

Lady: Yes!

[damianwaynerocks]

saw someone say months ago that the best cover story for jason coming back to life in the public eye is to say he was in witness protection. and i agree with that! but id like to add: jason would make a public statement saying that the reason he was in witness protection is “i saw joker kill robin”

[magic-crazy-as-this]

Every once and a while, the Batkids will try and pretend to be Bruce over the radio whilst on patrol.

Tim (as low and gravelly as he can go): "Oracle! Analysis!" Barbara (nonplussed): "Red Robin, I can see which channels are lit up when you speak, I know that's you." Tim: "I AM THE NIIIIIIIGHT...!"

Batman is not pleased. The kids only do this more.

[bats-and-the-birds]

Batman being aggressively secretive towards the Justice League is one of my favorite tropes, but it gets INFINITELY funnier when you take the younger generations of heroes into consideration.

Barry Allen? He doesn't know shit about Batman, still partially convinced he's not human, still a little bit scared to talk to him. But Wally West? That's Nightwing's best friend. He's been around Dick since both of them were kids. He's had sleepovers at the manor since he was thirteen.

I just think it would be hilarious if all of the younger generations 100% know that Batman is Bruce Wayne. They've slept at the manor, some of them have taken various Batkids to school dances, they've been offered Alfred's cooking. And all because they've gotten close to at least one Batkid and said Batkid wore Bruce down until he let them reveal their identity. But all of them manage to keep this information from their mentors. Either purposefully or completely on accident.

Then you end up with a situation where the younger generations grow up and join the League and the older members Very Quickly realize that they seem a lot more comfortable with Batman than they should be.

[oldmannapping]

Crack HC, because is there any other kind?

Bruce realises embarrassingly late that his Batkids can’t swim.

Gotham’s beach water is pure chemicals and sewage, and the city’s public school funding doesn’t exactly prioritise teaching kids to swim. Steph, Duke and Jason had never seen a swimming pool before meeting Bruce.

Tim’s parents meant to sign him up for swim lessons after he fell into their indoor fountain when he was three and nearly drowned - it would have been so embarrassing if it happened when they had guests! - but forgot.

So Bruce is like. Oh no my baby-soldiers must learn to swim.

Damian insists that since the League trained him to withstand waterboarding, he’s fine. Bruce pulls a muscle in his cheek from clenching his jaw so hard.

Dick insists that he can swim and manages one impressive mermaid-style undulation before becoming disoriented and slamming into the wall.

Duke covers himself in floaties and clings to a pool noodle for dear life, eschewing dignity because “this isn’t how I die”.

Conversely, Tim sinks like a stone, curls up on the bottom of the pool, and waits for death.

Cass, with the lowest body fat percentage, also sinks but manages to squeeze into one of the drains. She re-emerges six hours later in an estuary in New Jersey.

Steph refuses to let go of the wall by the deep end, scuttling away like a crab when Bruce tries to poke her into the water with a skimmer net.

Jason scoffs at them all and manages a perfect swan dive before flailing and crashing into Steph, causing both of them to panic and use each other as ladders to get out.

Alfred asks Barbara for the security camera footage and makes everyone watch it twice a year to keep their egos in check.

[lizardpersonyknow]

Tim drake but he has a completely unexplainable beef with one of the lesser Gotham rogues. I'm thinking like kite man or something. Where anyone who sees him fight them feels the need to pull him aside because it sounds like he is deliberately digging in to deeply personal traumas of that villain to hurt them. He regularly makes this rogue cry. He only ever says "they know what they did". Asking the rogue? "I know what I did :(". And yet, the rogue still makes specific effort to trap him.

Years later it comes out that he and this rogue thought it was funny watching the batfam and Gotham's collective concern and confusion. I headcanon that every Gotham rogue has been to at least one summer camp for theatre. The rogue can cry on command. It's literally just a bit.

[violent138]

It would be so funny to have Bruce reckon with his kids' weird forms of schooling. For obvious reasons, a bunch never finished much/are in the process, but he turns to Tim, and goes, "At least you've got your high school--" and Tim gives him a look.

In the midst of babysitting Bruce, concocting a fake uncle, and dealing with vigilantism, and the inability to crawl of out bed after training, Tim hasn't been to school in years.

[numberonedukethomasapologist]

(This is so random and I'm going a bit insane at almost 3am😫)

Duke: Tim! Wssp?

Tim: *face half an inch away from his phone* reading.

Duke: reading what?

Tim: 🧍🏻‍♂️

Duke:🧍🏾‍♂️

Tim *mumbles*

Duke: huh?

Tim: *mumbles a bit louder* superbat😔

Duke: omg?? *whips out his phone and opens a recent tab* same?!

*staring at eachother in disbelief for a solid minute*

[Meanwhile in the other room]

Jason: *writing superbat fics*

[gotham-bird]

Clark Kent, intrepid reporter: I’ll go anywhere, interview anyone, do any story! I’ll do anything for the sake of journalism!

Clark’s boss: Go interview the Waynes.

Clark:…. Except that.

Clark’s boss: And why not?

Clark:… they scare me.

The entirety of Gotham City: AND HOW DO YOU THINK WE FEEL?!

[strange-birb]

Based on og bost by @thethirdtriplet

Order left to right pic 1 lolz

Damian, cass, dick, duke, Tim, Steph :)

[gothamite-rambler]

I get the feeling that Riddler doesn't like Jason too much #1 (Batfamily Chronicles Microfiction Series)

Riddler (on loud speaker): Four cars come to a four-way stop, each coming from a different direction. They can’t decide who got there first, so they all go forward at the same time. All four cars go, but none crash into each other. How is this possible?

Batman: ...

Riddler: Ha, I stumped you!

Red Hood: They all made right turns.

Riddler: What?

Red Hood: The cars come to a four-way stop right? It's got four cars, so they can't decide who got there first, they all go forward, none crash, they all make right turns. Duh.

Riddler: ...

Batman: Did he get it right?

Red Hood: This isn't seriously stumping you is it?

Batman puts up his hand: Hello?

Riddler: Yes, he's right. Um give me another try.

Red Hood & Batman: Another try?

Riddler: Paul's height is six feet, he's an assistant at a butcher's shop, and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Red Hood, sighing: Meat.

Riddler: Oh come on!

Riddler goon: Okay but what's stopping him from googling the answers, we can't see him and he can't see us.

Riddler: Shut up!

Batman: You can't see us?

Red Hood: I love how he assumes these aren't the easiest riddles to solve. Why do you entertain this?

Batman: Most time they're difficult to solve other times I'm bored.

Riddler (offended): What?

Red Hood: Can we leave already? I'm tired and would rather be anywhere else.

Riddler: No, one more riddle!

Red Hood: Oh my God. Right, let's get this over with!

Riddler: Who makes it, has no need of it. Who buys it, but has no use for it. Who uses it can neither see nor feel it. What is it?

Red Hood: Hm...

Riddler: It was one you used for a few years.

Batman, alarmed by the answer: A coffin?

Riddler: Yes!

Riddler cackles.

Red Hood is taken back and unsure what to say, but frowns.

Red Hood: Oh my God, that was just mean.

Red Hood shoulder slump dejected.

Batman (enraged): Stay here, I'll be back.

Batman heads down a hall, a few seconds pass. The door to where Riddler is hiding slams open.

Riddler: How did you find me? Wait, why are you staring at me like that?

Screams and the sound of someone punching a person are heard through the loud speaker. Red Hood nods then checks his phone.

Red Hood: Hey if you can hear me, you want to see a movie after?

Batman, on the speaker: Sure!

[damianwaynerocks]

cold take: jason todd smokes cigarettes

hot take: jason would never smoke cigarettes due to ptsd from dying of smoke inhalation

hotter take: jason forces himself to smoke cigarettes to prove to himself that he isn’t affected by it anymore

[cardinalcheerio]

Tim: Hey dick?

Dick: yeah?

Tim: Sooo... if someone were to hypothetically steal a sculpture called "The Hand". Would they call the heist, "The Hand Job"?

Dick *grinning and searching sculptures*: be a worse crime not to name it that

[bats-and-the-birds]

I made a post a few days ago about Clark Kent inexplicably being friends with the Waynes (because he knows Batman as Superman, but the people who just know mild mannered reporter Clark Kent don't know that). And the thought of Lois Lane, pre-knowing that Clark is Superman, just being extremely baffled by her writing partner from the middle of nowhere Kansas being friends with the Wayne family continues to amuse me. So the alternative situation from the one I posted the other that's been bouncing around in my head is

Lois, charging into Clark's apartment after being let in: Sorry, Clark, I know it's your day off, but I need help--

Lois: ...

Lois: ...

Lois: Hey, Clark? Why is Bruce Wayne's son doing a puzzle on your coffee table?

Clark: Bruce is in town for business and Dick didn't want to sit in an office all day.

Lois: Uh huh. Yeah. Okay, let me rephrase. Clark, why is the son of one of the most rich and influential men in the country sitting in your apartment?

Young Dick Grayson, having not looked up from his puzzle: Uncle Clark, do you not tell your friends anything about your life?

[batcowenraged]

i love thinking that gotham treats the bats like a sports team in terms of pride (either bc their actual sports teams don't do well or some other reason)

people have banners outside their windows of the bat symbol, schools have a "wear merch of your favorite bat" spirit days, there's graffiti portraits of the different bats and some of them take selfies with the murals of themselves, kids get "the robin haircut" and the name "robin" is higher on gotham name rankings than in other cities, people put bat emojis in their instagram and twitter bios next to "gotham" or their location, there's constant not super serious debates over who the best bats are, everytime a new or "new" bat appears there's a ton of excitement and conspiracies on twitter

[i-yap]

Jason todd x reader - clingy thoughts

(guys i have no motivation to start writing most days so like whenever I get comments or requests in my inbox I get rlly excited and actually feel like writing)

if jason could, he would melt his skin so it could stick to yours . He is so touch starved but more than that he is just ...starved. like he hasn't ever had anything properly good in his life. and then you're just there and he doesn't think something better could exist

he wants to look at you, he stares a lot. even when he is cuddling you, he's looking at your hands, your hair, whatever he can see in the position

he likes casual intimacy more than fancy intimacy. like linking pinkies when walking, resting your head on his shoulder on the bus, your legs being pressed against each other when you're sitting on a rooftop. something you'd do without thinking but he is constantly thinking about it.

he isn't the lift and spin sort of guy ( like after a mission or something) he is a holds you and falls to the ground from the pain of being separated from you for too long. he is the don't to dare pull away, tears in his eyes, body shaking sort of guy.

he hates being away from you, even across the table is too far. wants to sit next to you or hold your hand if you're sitting across. make sure the table isn't too big. the distance hurts him, its like he has an internal radar that if you cross , his head goes red .

give him any sign that you are just as clingy or even that you don't hate his guts and he will just freeze. he doesn't know how to reciprocate touch, feelings, words, everything but he really really wants to. so just because he stiffens up when you hug him doesn't mean he is gonna let you leave the hug .

his sweetest words come out at like 4am , when you're in the bathtub, sitting on a roof, eating snacks on the floor of your room or lying in bed . you cant be facing him cause he will forget whaT he wanted to say once he sees your face. he is super tired from crime fighting or after s'x or after a nightmare. don't make a big deal out of it cause he wont take it well and will get embarrassed.

he is just so protective, you rlly cant blame him.